I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
