someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Randomize
