perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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