he told me I talked like a deaf person
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
