So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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