what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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