Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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