Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
this just has baby written all over it
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
