went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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