what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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