one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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