when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
