he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I lost the right to judge tonight
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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