names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
