I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
