I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
