Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
