So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
