so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She even gives head with a lisp.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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