And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
