i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
smell my finger.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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