I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
