Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
