im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
