oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
