1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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