His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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