Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
