This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize