my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
