nut hugger
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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