hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
