hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
