mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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