tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
