There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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