she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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