I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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