worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
