Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
