I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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