he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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