the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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