can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize