i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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