Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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