I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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