A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize