census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
