I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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