I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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