Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
