I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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